Pressure

A friend @ work is getting married in August. This will be her 2nd marriage. The first didn't go well at all. It ended up in an ugly divorce. She mentioned to me that in her first marriage, she didn't have any wedding reception and now that she's met the love of her life, she's spending shit load of benjamins on her wedding. I can understand her anxiety preparing for her big day. She asked me about a month back to be her wedding photographer. As excited and honored as I was, I'm starting to feel the pressure. What if I mess it up? What if the pictures don't turn out well? What if I forget to take shots of her important people? What if she doesn't like my work? She offered to pay me. I refused in the beginning. F***!!! I'm not a professional photographer. She's nothing but a guinea pig to me. Heck, a good testimonial could be coming from her if everything turns out well. I don't have confidence of my ability if I can deliver the job as expected. But come to think of it, I'd love to get any kind of money towards my fund of getting a better DSLR; something I've been dying to have of late.

I'm just honored that she has that kind of trust of me. I gave her the link to my flickr's photostream just to show her my work. I was laughing inside of me at the thought of using flickr as my portfolio LOL! Oh what the hell. That's all I've got. I'm hoping that this will turn out well so that I can put some of her pictures in a nice lookin' folder for my future reference. On the hand, who am I kidding? I'm not that great. I'm still learning and I've far too many techniques to learn.

Another lady @ work is also getting married in September. I'm hoping if Missy's wedding turns out alright, Tiff might consider hiring me to take shots of her wedding. But from what I understand, she's not having a big reception.

I'm beginning to enjoy photography. I've learned a lot from flickr. I have some kind of ideas on how to photograph Missy's wedding. I know this might sound a little out there, but this would be really nice to have as a part time job. Having a side income doesn't sound like a bad idea at all. I can save up and return home. At least, that's what I'm hoping. I've about a month to start preparing for Missy's wedding. I hope I will go there prepared. I've invited Leena to be my back up because I know that Leena has a good eye in Photography.

Wish me luck!

Leave me alone

I had a call from my sister today. She wanted to know what I wanted to do with the old antique fishing rod I gave my dad before. My husband got that fishing rod for my dad before he died. After he died, Yang, my brother who just passed away kept it in his room. That rod worth quite a bit of money because it’s an old-fashioned rod.

Gosh!! I am so sick of talking about “who gets what, what’s gonna happen to this and that”!!!! I wish these people would just let me fuckin’ grieve peacefully. I don’t care about the fuckin’ materials. I seriously don’t. Leave me the fuck alone! All I ever wanted now is just to grieve quietly without any conversation about any assets or belongings. Why can’t they give me this? If nothing at all, I deserve some time alone to mourn in my own time.

Yang hasn’t been gone a month and the talks about his belongings just made me sick in my stomach. I mean, how quick did they get over his death? Not me. It took me a long time to begin to accept that Mama’s gone forever; heck I’m still finding the closure and now I’ve to start finding the peace to accept that Yang’s gone too. He worked hard all his life to gain whatever that he had so just leave it alone. It was his to begin with. Why are they worrying over stuff that don’t fucking belong to them????? I don’t have much but I hope this won’t happen when go six feet down under. I mean, come on!!! He just died, for crying out loud.

I told myself, the next time I hear talks about this again, I’m gonna give them a piece of my mind. I’m gonna say, “please stop it! I can’t deal with this any longer!”. I’m a wimp, I admit that but please let me have the privacy of my own to just mourn, that’s all. And that’s not too much to ask, is it?

So Long, Farewell & Good Bye

I really don't know how to begin this. I wanted to write much sooner to get it outta my chest, but I always find a reason not to cause I know of the impending effect this might do to me. I dread this. God knows how hard I tried to shun myself from writing about my feelings, my thoughts but I made peace with the fact that I need to cause this is one of the ways that can help ease the acute pain that I have right now.

I took off Friday to do some cleaning in the family room downstairs. I picked Leena up right after I dropped Ryan off at the daycare. We went yard-saling that morning and had fun. We even talked about Yang like how much Mama used to pamper him. Yang was the child prodigy in our family. He was the favorite among all of us. His wittiness when he was little brought so many colors to my family.

We worked our butts off that day and after I dropped Leena off I went to bed exhausted. Leena came to the room and started bawling. I said, "what's wrong?". She said, "Yang passed away" and she sobbed like a little child. I couldn't acknowledge and absorb of the message as I was in la-la land. I said, "Which Yang?". Can you believe I asked her that? She said, "our brother, Yang". Upon hearing that, I felt like a piercing sharp knife was just stabbed me through my heart! Lord knows how I wanted this to be a nightmare and I could just go back to sleep and wake up feeling relieved that this was all a bad dream. But it wasn't. That elucidation left me perplexed and stunned. How could this be? How? Why? Yang was only 38 and he just celebrated his 38th and now his last birthday last May 24.

Leena told me that my family has been trying to call my cell phone and home phone. Like I said, I felt beat when I went to bed and I was sleeping like a log and I couldn't hear the dag-on phone rang, in times like this. F***! Pardon my obscenity but I have all the reasons to be this way for I just couldn't express my anguish of losing the one person that I love dearly. Ineluctably, I can't help but to feel dejected, angry, miserable, mournful, discouraged, morbid...you get the picture. Why did God take away the good one? Why? He was my favorite brother, the one who literally raised my sister and I....the one who was always there when he was needed the most...the one whom I whined to whenever I had a misunderstanding with my dad. Why him, God? Why him?

This was all like a deja vu; when I received the bad news about Mama. Leena and I sobbed like there was no more hope, there wasn't. My family knows how my soul was desolated after my mom's death and now Yang. Words just couldn't describe the pain, the hurt that I'm going through right now.

Yang just got back from his frequent trip to China. He sent me a text message telling me that he was having a fever. He was having a chest pain, something that he never had before. That poor soul drove by himself to the doctor's office. He called Angah, my oldest brother to come and get him. Angah told him to sit tight while he was on his way. As soon as Angah arrived in front of the doctor's office, he called Yang's cell to let him know that he was waiting outside. The doctor answered and broke the news. When Angah walked in, Yang was laying on the floor shirtless. He was already gone!!! He died alone.

It really hurts me with the fact that I couldn't be there on his funeral. I've missed 3 funerals; one was for my dad, one was for my mom and now Yang. It just kills me deep inside. I'm going off my rocker, completely. I'd give my eyeteeth to get home in times like this. But I just couldn't afford it. 3 continuous funerals were more than I could handle. I hate being away from my family especially the funeral of my best brother.

Yang....I'd describe him as an angel sent from above. He was the best brother one could ever ask for. He literally raised Leena and I growing up. I remember when we were in school, as soon as we got home, the food would be ready on the table. The house would be spotless. Yes, that was the Yang I know. He was such a clean freak, not the kind that annoys you. He liked things clean. I can also remember vividly how he would always be mopping the floor or sweeping the floor when we walked in the door. Being in a broken family shaped my siblings to be independent but Yang was the exceptional one. He was the one whom we went to whine just about everything. He was so understanding and was easy to talk to. We could talk about everything and anything; while the rest...well, there were solid walls between us. But with Yang, I was most comfortable with among the older siblings.

I sent him my first and last birthday card to Yang last May. I remember writing. "I pray for your longevity, happiness, good health and prosperity because you deserved it. You're the best brother one could ever ask for". He sent me a text message and said, "I just received the card. Thank you. I felt sad reading it". If only I knew that was his last birthday card from me. I know that things happen for a reason but I wasn't prepared for the reason. He was too young. I was told by my friends how much Yang was loved by a lot of people because at his funeral, there were many cars parked along side on the street that we live on. They led to the main street. That made me feel so proud. Yang was very much loved. He was always caring, selfless, thoughtful, generous and kind.

Life will never be the same without him. There were holes in my soul after the death of my parents and now Yang. Those can never be filled. All of a sudden, I felt an utter emptiness.

Yang, wherever you are, I want you to know that I love you very very much. May Allah bless your soul. You will be sorely missed by all of us. I pray for your eternal peace. I miss you so much, Yang.

When Reality Hits You

I was talking to a really close girlfriend of mine last night. It was one of our usual chats about everything and nothing at all. We were just talking about kids, well actually we were talking about a friend of hers whom I have never met in person but heard a lot about. She's a little younger than me but seems to have it all. She drives an expensive fancy car, has a good job, has all kinds of techy toys, lives in a nice home....everything that one would think makes a gal like her happy. But from my understanding, one thing is lacking for her complete happines; a child.

I've learned a lot by hearing and observing. One will never be happy with one has. What you don't have and others might have may brings satisfaction to you. But what you do have and others don't, might bring happiness to them. Normal for human being to never be satisfied with what they possess.

Anyways, we were just talking about that lady's constant comments about how she would like to raise her child someday. Yeah, sounded like she was painting a picture perfect; what seems to me like building a castle in the sky. I have learned from my own experience that before you have a child, you tend to have all sorts of expectations on how you plan to raise a child. You want everything to be perfect. You want your child to behave 24x7, to have respectful manners, smart, skillful and what-not's. Yes, I was once like that. Believe me, I wasn't raised in a perfect manner therefore I want my child to have etiquettes that I certainly don't have. I wanted my son to have all of the things that I never had growing up. But now that I'm a mother, I now know the difference between wishful thinking and reality. It was a lot easier said than done. Children have minds of their own. They've set themselves to have that distinctive individualities. No one told me that before, or at least I didn't really believe it till now. It all made sense to me now. My late parents raised my siblings and I the same way but we all grow up being totally different persons with assorted personalities.

My girlfriend made a comment about how this chica's constant comments about her plans with her future child. I told her, "yeah ok. Wait till she has one and we'll see if it's feasible". And then that's when she made this comment, "yeah, wait till she sees Ryan"! I felt like I was being punched at my stomach......hard. I was stunned, taken aback and simply surprised by her honest to goodness comment. Don't misjudge me when I say that I totally respect her frank opinion. I seriously and sincerely do. She's entitled to her opinion. But when someone that you care about hits you with their opinion like a punching bag, I couldn't help but to feel the excruciating pain. It's not like I'm totally unaware of my son's mischievous behavior. I am fully aware of it and it fact, she knows that it bothers me big time. It was as though she was giving me an unexpected reminder; which was totally uncalled for.

Yes, I admit with honor that her son behaves better than mine and she encounters less embarassing moments with her child than I do but he's far from being an angel either. All kids have their own moments. For heaven's sake, they're kids. But getting that sort of comment from your close friends; well, to me was really unfair and honestly, rude. I have never made that type of comment to her about her son because I feel that it's really not necessary. I'm sure she knows her son's short-comings, just as I do mine. All of my life, I've never met any "perfect" kid and there's really none!

She must've sensed my offensive tone when I said, "what's that supposed to mean?". And later she tried to fix the weirdness atmosphere by saying something like "my son's such a softy". WTF? Yes, he's a softy alright. I can add more to it like whiny, clingy and much more but I didn't. I was trying very hard to be reasonable and act as an adult. All I said was, "I'm just blessed that my son has his wittiness and a little bit of a daredevil, which is not a good thing half the time but at least he's always willing to take chances and risks". She agreed with me and said that whenever her sons falls, he'd cry like a baby. I really didn't expect her to agree with me just to make me feel better. That wouldn't change the hurt impact she's left on me. I do agree that there are a lot of work to be done with my son. God knows I do acknowledge that fact. I know I'm being overly emotional, but I guess I wasn't really prepared for this. I know that bestfriends should be able to tell you anything; as honest as they can but to me personally, I'd never say anything like that to her.

Yes, this is truly a wake up call and a not so friendly reminder for me to start doubling my effort. Thank you to her for her honest comment.