So Long, Farewell & Good Bye

I really don't know how to begin this. I wanted to write much sooner to get it outta my chest, but I always find a reason not to cause I know of the impending effect this might do to me. I dread this. God knows how hard I tried to shun myself from writing about my feelings, my thoughts but I made peace with the fact that I need to cause this is one of the ways that can help ease the acute pain that I have right now.

I took off Friday to do some cleaning in the family room downstairs. I picked Leena up right after I dropped Ryan off at the daycare. We went yard-saling that morning and had fun. We even talked about Yang like how much Mama used to pamper him. Yang was the child prodigy in our family. He was the favorite among all of us. His wittiness when he was little brought so many colors to my family.

We worked our butts off that day and after I dropped Leena off I went to bed exhausted. Leena came to the room and started bawling. I said, "what's wrong?". She said, "Yang passed away" and she sobbed like a little child. I couldn't acknowledge and absorb of the message as I was in la-la land. I said, "Which Yang?". Can you believe I asked her that? She said, "our brother, Yang". Upon hearing that, I felt like a piercing sharp knife was just stabbed me through my heart! Lord knows how I wanted this to be a nightmare and I could just go back to sleep and wake up feeling relieved that this was all a bad dream. But it wasn't. That elucidation left me perplexed and stunned. How could this be? How? Why? Yang was only 38 and he just celebrated his 38th and now his last birthday last May 24.

Leena told me that my family has been trying to call my cell phone and home phone. Like I said, I felt beat when I went to bed and I was sleeping like a log and I couldn't hear the dag-on phone rang, in times like this. F***! Pardon my obscenity but I have all the reasons to be this way for I just couldn't express my anguish of losing the one person that I love dearly. Ineluctably, I can't help but to feel dejected, angry, miserable, mournful, discouraged, morbid...you get the picture. Why did God take away the good one? Why? He was my favorite brother, the one who literally raised my sister and I....the one who was always there when he was needed the most...the one whom I whined to whenever I had a misunderstanding with my dad. Why him, God? Why him?

This was all like a deja vu; when I received the bad news about Mama. Leena and I sobbed like there was no more hope, there wasn't. My family knows how my soul was desolated after my mom's death and now Yang. Words just couldn't describe the pain, the hurt that I'm going through right now.

Yang just got back from his frequent trip to China. He sent me a text message telling me that he was having a fever. He was having a chest pain, something that he never had before. That poor soul drove by himself to the doctor's office. He called Angah, my oldest brother to come and get him. Angah told him to sit tight while he was on his way. As soon as Angah arrived in front of the doctor's office, he called Yang's cell to let him know that he was waiting outside. The doctor answered and broke the news. When Angah walked in, Yang was laying on the floor shirtless. He was already gone!!! He died alone.

It really hurts me with the fact that I couldn't be there on his funeral. I've missed 3 funerals; one was for my dad, one was for my mom and now Yang. It just kills me deep inside. I'm going off my rocker, completely. I'd give my eyeteeth to get home in times like this. But I just couldn't afford it. 3 continuous funerals were more than I could handle. I hate being away from my family especially the funeral of my best brother.

Yang....I'd describe him as an angel sent from above. He was the best brother one could ever ask for. He literally raised Leena and I growing up. I remember when we were in school, as soon as we got home, the food would be ready on the table. The house would be spotless. Yes, that was the Yang I know. He was such a clean freak, not the kind that annoys you. He liked things clean. I can also remember vividly how he would always be mopping the floor or sweeping the floor when we walked in the door. Being in a broken family shaped my siblings to be independent but Yang was the exceptional one. He was the one whom we went to whine just about everything. He was so understanding and was easy to talk to. We could talk about everything and anything; while the rest...well, there were solid walls between us. But with Yang, I was most comfortable with among the older siblings.

I sent him my first and last birthday card to Yang last May. I remember writing. "I pray for your longevity, happiness, good health and prosperity because you deserved it. You're the best brother one could ever ask for". He sent me a text message and said, "I just received the card. Thank you. I felt sad reading it". If only I knew that was his last birthday card from me. I know that things happen for a reason but I wasn't prepared for the reason. He was too young. I was told by my friends how much Yang was loved by a lot of people because at his funeral, there were many cars parked along side on the street that we live on. They led to the main street. That made me feel so proud. Yang was very much loved. He was always caring, selfless, thoughtful, generous and kind.

Life will never be the same without him. There were holes in my soul after the death of my parents and now Yang. Those can never be filled. All of a sudden, I felt an utter emptiness.

Yang, wherever you are, I want you to know that I love you very very much. May Allah bless your soul. You will be sorely missed by all of us. I pray for your eternal peace. I miss you so much, Yang.