Better Now
Well, another year has passed. It’s that time of the year again where time reminds you that you’re a year older….and wiser too, hopefully. I didn’t do anything “fun” on this day. Rick was working and Leena was out to lunch. I spent the entire day working my rear off. After I dropped Ryan to school, I started washing the dishes that have been left in the sink. Then I swept the kitchen and bathroom floors. Cleaned the toilet and mopped the floors. It’s pretty typical when you have a toddler who thinks he “owns” the entire house by invading every bit of space in the family room with his toys. Cleaning his play room is like a daily chore.
This year’s birthday seemed to be a very quiet one. Over the years, I have learned to stop expecting to get the wishes. Before, the more wishes I got, the happier I became. But now, I’ve totally quit on expecting. I don’t expect anyone to remember but then again, it’s nice to receive the wishes unexpectedly. Now, it just doesn’t matter anymore. It’s no biggie whatsoever. If they remember, well that’s nice. If not, fuck ‘em LOL!!!! Kidding! On a serious note, it wouldn’t bother me none. I’m not that special anyway. The only wishes that I miss to get from the most are from my late mother and brother. Mama used to call me all the way from home to wish me. She’d always say, “semoga panjang umur dan murah rezeki” or directly translated as “I pray for your longevity and prosperity”. And my late brother would send a text message to my cell phone. That’s why this year, for some reason I felt lonelier than ever on my birthday.
I used the excuse of cleaning the house as an excuse to not feel emotional. It was a good therapy for me. Took my mind off my sorrow temporarily. Yet another year has passed. What have I achieve? I can’t tell you what I have achieved…..I don’t have to look hard enough to find the answer. I haven’t really achieved anything major or significant that I can be shouting in pride of. This hasn’t been a fantastic year of joy for me and Leena. I’ve been telling myself time and time again that I refuse to be the victim of grief but I’m human. A weak one not to mention. Dodging the reality is what I know best at this time. Not very mature or wise but that is all I know how to deal with my pain….by avoiding. I know I need to work on that but as of now, I’m comfortable in completely avoiding to even talk about it. I know that in time I will heal….I just need more time, that’s all.
2006 brings a lot of ups and downs in all aspects of my life. But only I know the good and bad that happened to me this year. It’s just another year of a learning experience. To be a better person in general. I’ve made great friends especially over flickr. I’ve managed to develop great friendships. After 5 years, I finally found friends that I can really get along with, namely Christina and Paula. I find it odd that we all met through flickr and we clicked instantly. They’re a hoot. We’re the same age and we get along great. We’ve been spending a lot of times on the weekends either shooting pool or bowling.
Few people that I met in person, well, let’s just say that didn’t go very well. Their actions just disappointed me and I’ve decided not to go for another flickr meet with them. Well, let’s just say that is really history. I don’t intend to pursue anything further.
I also had the much anticipated visit from my best friend, Linda. We’ve known each other for over 15 years now. That was really sweet of her to visit me all the way from Arizona when she visited her husband’s brother who’s working there. She really didn’t have to cause it costs more to fly from AZ to KY but she did and I’m glad she did. We had a blast although I didn’t take her to a lot of places as how I planned. We both have kids and it was rather inconvenient going places with toddlers who were in need of naps daily. But I had fun having her around….we talked…we laughed….like the good ‘ol times. After the passing of my mother and brother, I figured I’d never have any more visitors from back home so Linda’s visit was a blessing.
I’m optimistic and hopeful that 2007 will be a better year, InsyaAllah. From all of the mishaps that have happened to me, I now live one day at a time. As I grow emotionally year after year, I thwarted any drama to bother me or even catch my attention. Fuck! I’m 31 years old and I really don’t need anymore drama in my life. I used to care what other people think, or what they’re doing or whatever it is that people do to get attention….well, let’s just say I don’t give a fuck anymore. I hate dramas and drama queens. I value the close relationships I have with my family and my friends who matter to me. Friends who accept me the way I am and accept my shortcomings, my flaws and my imperfections. I’ve learned to just accept who I really am and stop trying to be someone I’m really not. Tried it before but didn’t work. I’m by far perfect but I try my very best to be the person I can be and that’s all I can do. I’m done going beyond and over to impress anyone cause evidently that action bites me in the ass one too many times. This is a cruel world we’re living in. If someone doesn’t really care about you and your well being, why bother. That’s what I’ve learned through the hard way. It hurts me and sure did frustrate me but hey, what have I got to lose for having any acquaintance who couldn’t be bothered if I’m still breathing.
So if someone asks me what I really wish on my birthday, I’d say I’m gonna keep the little circle of friends that I have and maintain it, nourish it and work on it. I’d also like to be living from now on cause life is just too damn short to be just existing. I’m living my life and I’m going to be fearless from now on. I’d like to get out of my shell that comforts me and just enjoy life in general. I want to be a good mother, wife, friend, sister and aunt…..that’s all I want.
This year’s birthday seemed to be a very quiet one. Over the years, I have learned to stop expecting to get the wishes. Before, the more wishes I got, the happier I became. But now, I’ve totally quit on expecting. I don’t expect anyone to remember but then again, it’s nice to receive the wishes unexpectedly. Now, it just doesn’t matter anymore. It’s no biggie whatsoever. If they remember, well that’s nice. If not, fuck ‘em LOL!!!! Kidding! On a serious note, it wouldn’t bother me none. I’m not that special anyway. The only wishes that I miss to get from the most are from my late mother and brother. Mama used to call me all the way from home to wish me. She’d always say, “semoga panjang umur dan murah rezeki” or directly translated as “I pray for your longevity and prosperity”. And my late brother would send a text message to my cell phone. That’s why this year, for some reason I felt lonelier than ever on my birthday.
I used the excuse of cleaning the house as an excuse to not feel emotional. It was a good therapy for me. Took my mind off my sorrow temporarily. Yet another year has passed. What have I achieve? I can’t tell you what I have achieved…..I don’t have to look hard enough to find the answer. I haven’t really achieved anything major or significant that I can be shouting in pride of. This hasn’t been a fantastic year of joy for me and Leena. I’ve been telling myself time and time again that I refuse to be the victim of grief but I’m human. A weak one not to mention. Dodging the reality is what I know best at this time. Not very mature or wise but that is all I know how to deal with my pain….by avoiding. I know I need to work on that but as of now, I’m comfortable in completely avoiding to even talk about it. I know that in time I will heal….I just need more time, that’s all.
2006 brings a lot of ups and downs in all aspects of my life. But only I know the good and bad that happened to me this year. It’s just another year of a learning experience. To be a better person in general. I’ve made great friends especially over flickr. I’ve managed to develop great friendships. After 5 years, I finally found friends that I can really get along with, namely Christina and Paula. I find it odd that we all met through flickr and we clicked instantly. They’re a hoot. We’re the same age and we get along great. We’ve been spending a lot of times on the weekends either shooting pool or bowling.
Few people that I met in person, well, let’s just say that didn’t go very well. Their actions just disappointed me and I’ve decided not to go for another flickr meet with them. Well, let’s just say that is really history. I don’t intend to pursue anything further.
I also had the much anticipated visit from my best friend, Linda. We’ve known each other for over 15 years now. That was really sweet of her to visit me all the way from Arizona when she visited her husband’s brother who’s working there. She really didn’t have to cause it costs more to fly from AZ to KY but she did and I’m glad she did. We had a blast although I didn’t take her to a lot of places as how I planned. We both have kids and it was rather inconvenient going places with toddlers who were in need of naps daily. But I had fun having her around….we talked…we laughed….like the good ‘ol times. After the passing of my mother and brother, I figured I’d never have any more visitors from back home so Linda’s visit was a blessing.
I’m optimistic and hopeful that 2007 will be a better year, InsyaAllah. From all of the mishaps that have happened to me, I now live one day at a time. As I grow emotionally year after year, I thwarted any drama to bother me or even catch my attention. Fuck! I’m 31 years old and I really don’t need anymore drama in my life. I used to care what other people think, or what they’re doing or whatever it is that people do to get attention….well, let’s just say I don’t give a fuck anymore. I hate dramas and drama queens. I value the close relationships I have with my family and my friends who matter to me. Friends who accept me the way I am and accept my shortcomings, my flaws and my imperfections. I’ve learned to just accept who I really am and stop trying to be someone I’m really not. Tried it before but didn’t work. I’m by far perfect but I try my very best to be the person I can be and that’s all I can do. I’m done going beyond and over to impress anyone cause evidently that action bites me in the ass one too many times. This is a cruel world we’re living in. If someone doesn’t really care about you and your well being, why bother. That’s what I’ve learned through the hard way. It hurts me and sure did frustrate me but hey, what have I got to lose for having any acquaintance who couldn’t be bothered if I’m still breathing.
So if someone asks me what I really wish on my birthday, I’d say I’m gonna keep the little circle of friends that I have and maintain it, nourish it and work on it. I’d also like to be living from now on cause life is just too damn short to be just existing. I’m living my life and I’m going to be fearless from now on. I’d like to get out of my shell that comforts me and just enjoy life in general. I want to be a good mother, wife, friend, sister and aunt…..that’s all I want.
posted by LLopez at 10:31 PM
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